Coping and Hoping...

It has been a day after my birthday. I'm kinda glad that the "tragedy" happened close to my birthday because it somehow gave him a reason to text me. I'm glad he did. I'm glad that we got to talk and exchange a few texts yesterday. I'm quite happy with that. 

I still miss him though. I can never and will never deny that.

I've been hearing a variety of presumptions, assumptions and opinions from people as to why he did what he did. I like some of it, but not most of if. I try to pretend that I agree to everything that they say and just nod my head. But deep inside i'm hurting even more when i hear the things i don't want to hear. There may be truth to it or none, I will never know, but I try not to focus on it because I don't want to be angry and bitter. 

Maybe I love him too much that I choose to believe what I want to believe or maybe because I know everything was actually true. Or maybe I'm just too scared if there was "another truth". 

It rained hard today. I hope he didn't have a hard time. I hope he didn't get stuck in traffic. I hope he didn't get hungry and too tired. I hope he had a nice day. I hope he's happy. And I hope he misses me too.

He's always on my mind. He never left. Even my heart. There are times when I'm really tempted to text him, but I am suddenly reminded that he wouldn't want that; that it might just disturb him or whatnot. It wouldn't make him happy. 

Sometimes I just daydream, relive the days we were together, imagine that we still call each other "baby"...all of it just to brighten up my day. But on the other hand, it just makes the feeling worse as I am reminded that it will never happen again.

This is gonna be a long and lonely journey which I have to endure and take on my own.

Trying to be strong...

It has been quite a long while since I last posted here. A LOT of things has happened. A lot of joyful and memorable moments i have spent with him...and his family. But now, here I am, left alone again. I guess I just have to face the devastating fact that I was wrong when I told myself that he's the one.

I can honestly say that it was the best 2-3 years of my life (including the time he started texting and courting me). It was May 17, 2014 around 8-8:30pm when I stopped counting. Up until now I honestly couldn't understand how that particular reason could make him give up just like that after everything we have been through. It was so sudden. It felt like a thief broke into my house and just ransacked everything, this time ransacked my heart. It is still so painful that I couldn't even share the details to the closest people in my life because I know that I'll just break down and feel the hurt all over again. 

It is still so painful to accept that no matter what we've been through, no matter what we've shared, no matter  how much I am hurting and no matter how much I love him,  it all weren't enough to save US. That after all those things, it wouldn't change his mind. It wouldn't change the fact that he's gone.

But i don't blame him. I may want what's best for him, but i may not know what's best for him. I  may want him happy, but I just don't know how to. I tried my best, but I guess I just fell short.  He 's a grown man, he knows what he wants; he knows what makes him happy. I just have to accept that it isn't me. 

I won't deny the obvious fact that I still love him so much. So much that it hurts. I can literally feel the pain in my heart , the weakness of my body and the difficulty to breathe. Sometimes I just have to stop doing what I'm doing because I just couldn't go on.  I sometimes find myself crazy because  there are times when tears just suddenly come running down my cheeks. I try to put a happy face but my puffy and swollen eyes always give away what I am going through. My love for him never changed despite what has happened. 

I miss him terribly. I miss that way he looks at me, the way he smells, the way he  smiles, the way he drives, the way he parks, the way he walks, the way he reaches out his hand to hold mine, the way he makes an effort to talk to me,  the way he looks up my window after walking me to our door, and the list goes on. I miss everything about him.

Pathetic as it may seem but I have to admit that I am still hoping. Hoping that one day we shall meet again and things will work out. And then one day he'll realize he misses me and remember that he loves me, or that he once loved me. But I am also open to the reality that all these may just be pointless dreams,  meaningless imaginations , desperate assumptions and senseless apparitions. 

I am writing this not for people to pity me. I just believe that for me, writing is a good way of venting things without being interrupted. That i may somehow share everything to somebody, even to a stranger, if ever there is even somebody who will take time to read this. And i also want this to be a reminder for me in the future. That when i look back, i will not regret that fact that i never up on the person i love. That this blog will remind me that there may be days which are impossible to survive in, but brighter days are yet to come.

They say people always leave. But i think they may come back. Or maybe another person will be willing to  accompany you and stay. 💔